doug kaufman

I don’t think this one’s quite on par with the first one, but still fun. I love his all-caps “NO” response.

………………………..

smith micheal:

“please, if your item’s still for sale, please get back to me
immediately with the condition…..”

me:

“It’s in beautiful condition; possibly as beautiful as the reply I’m about to receive. Can’t wait”

smith micheal:

“Thank  you, but can you ship? because am out of town and am buying
this item’s for my son which i will pay you via PayPal. because
am one of PayPal workers, and will want to use this opportunity
to prove our self again as good money transfer that is why PayPal send me
to buy something from craigslist. to tell our people that we are now
secure than the past. so if you have PayPal email account so you can send
it to me so that the payment will secure for both of us and if you
don’t have PayPal email acct i can use this opportunity to advertise
our work ,you can easily go to WWW.PayPal.com and create an account
with us and get back to me as soon as possible

PayPal Inc.
2211 North First Street
San Jose CA 95131
US”

me:

“So glad to see that PayPal’s corporate “Grammar Awareness Program” payed off. Was it a rewarding experience for you? I wish I could be grammatically aware. Now I feel kind of sad. I wish you wouldn’t make me feel sad, Smith Micheal. Oh well, I’d still like to ship it. That sounds exciting. I’m so confused by these modern computer things though. Could I just give you a bunch of my finance sites’ login info and let you handle it? Thanks so much!!”

smith micheal:

“NO”

me:

“Yeah, that might be kind of hard.

You know what? I think you should try to make a career in Contemporary Christian Music. You might want to add a “W” to your name somewhere though.

Do you still want the camera? It’s a Contemporary Christian Camera.”

………………………

And alas, that’s all I could get out of him. I probably need to bait them a bit more.

I posted a craigslist ad for my camera and immediately started getting scam/phishing replies, so I decided to e-mail a few of them back and see how long I could keep a ridiculous conversation going. Enjoy.

………………….

dickey frank:

“is the item still available for sale?”

me:

“Yes, it’s still available.”

dickey frank:

“Good to hear back from you I’m in San Diego right now but I’ll be leaving for London for a soccer coaching job in a 2days  time.I want to buy this item for my son that is studying photography at a university in africa. .I’ll have to add $100 for you to send the item to him as soon as possible through the USPS express mail international(ems)..I’ll be paying you through paypal as soon as you make your decision i will pay you $500 for the item and shipments fee; it’s secure and protects two parties in a transaction. Get back with the following information so that your payment will be delivered as soon as possible.
Full Name:
Full Contact Address:
PayPal Email Address;
All this information should be provided correctly please to avoid wrong payment. I will forward my son’s residential address to you for shipping as soon as the payment reaches you. I will be very grateful to hear from you soon.
Best Regard”

me:

“Your story makes perfect sense. This camera was actually made for world-travelling soccer coach’s sons, although I found it useful as well. Could you pay in pennies? I love pennies.”

dickey frank:

“okay thanks for the mail kindly give me your pay pal email address so that i can pay you up.”

me:

“Okay, but only with transactions of $.01 each. Or maybe you could pay entirely in 1 cent checks…that would be awesome. I would probably frame the checks. You’d be famous, Dickey. Famous.”

dickey frank:

“kindly give me your pay pal email address”.

me

“Don’t you think “paypal” is kind of a weird word? Have you ever thought about it? I think about it a lot. I also think you should change your name. How about Fricky Dank…or maybe Franky Dick? Actually, now that I think about it don’t do that.”

He didn’t respond after that.

Last year I started listening to some experimental electronica coming out of the UK, and I got a spark to do a project of my own. Well, it’s finally finished, and you can check it out on Amazon, iTunes, and pretty soon a bunch of other outlets. Some links are below – if you’re into electronic music, check it out!

iTunes

Amazon

homepage

Oh, and if you like what you hear, leave me a review!!

Check out this score with vocals recorded in an African village…great voice.

Download Hallelujah

New video I just finished scoring. Edit by Brian Fetty – produced by Joe Benson – shot by Ryan Smith.

“Some wish to live within the sound of Church or Chapel bell; I want to run a Rescue Shop within a yard of hell.” — C.T. Studd

As recording equipment and software keeps getting cheaper, a lot of musicians are spending a few hundred bucks on gear and cranking out home projects. I’ve worked on a number of these projects at the mix or master stage, and these are some of the biggest pitfalls I’ve seen beginners fall into time and time again.

5. I Don’t Need No Stinking Panning
For whatever reason, beginners always seem to overlook panning tracks…creating this giant mono mush. Don’t be that person. Sure, a lot of things should stay center most of the time (voice, kick, snare, bass), but if your guitars, keys, cymbals, and everything else are all hanging in the same spot it’s just going to be ugly.

4. The More Bass The Better
I understand where this one comes from. Booming bass is definitely “cool”. The problem is that if you mix with exaggerated bass frequences (20-200Hz), your mixes will sound muddy and unpleasantly boomy compared to what people are used to listening to on their home stereos. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a home-recorded mix that didn’t have enough bass.

3. The Little Red Thing At The Top Of My Meter Is Good, Right?
Nope. Not good at all. Even if you avoid clipping individual tracks, you still have the potential to clip your master bus if you don’t keep your levels in check. There’s no point in trying to push your individual tracks as loud as they’ll go without hitting the red, and you have potential for all kinds of nastiness.

2. Drastic Equalization
Developing an ear for equalization takes a while. Most people record a guitar or whatever and realize it sounds kind of flat, so they grab an eq plug-in and start cranking frequencies to try and find something they like. What you end up with is this big nasty frequency terrain with giant pointy peaks and valleys. This almost never sounds good. Although eq definitely has it’s place as a drastic effect tool, a general rule of thumb is to keep your eq curves gentle and small. Think simple, corrective equalization…not giant “make it shiny and wonderful nonsense”.

1. Vocals Don’t Matter…Everyone Wants To Hear My Awesome Licks
This is #1 by a pretty long shot. I can’t recall ever getting a home mix that was too strong on the vocals, but I’ve heard a whole lot with them buried waaaay too deep. I know your guitar and harmonica are the two awesomest things on earth, but if your song has vocals, the instruments have to take a back seat. Again, there are occasionally styles that incorporate buried vocals as an effect, but chances are that’s not the case for you.

There you have it. There are of course a lot more, but I’m too lazy to keep writing. You get 5.

Great Operation Christmas Child full-circle story. Shot by Ryan Smith, original indie/folk score and mix by yours truly, edited by Brian Fetty, produced by Joseph Benson, graphics by Collin Waldron.

New indie/folk track, fresh from the toaster. I wasn’t happy with the acoustic sound I was getting, so I played with running through an amp and panning opposite from clean. Also managed to sneak Jimmy’s rainstick in towards the end (works with the visual cue in the video this was scored for), as well as some accordian. All East West stuff for the percussion, and Xpand worked surprisingly well for the bass.
tell me a story

If I do say so myself .
Bit of a change of pace – very tender piano, soft violin section, a solo violin patch from gypsy, and just a hint of synth. Two primary themes are introduced at the top, then varied and built at the end.
Goodbyes